With apologies to John Hughes (screenplay) and Harold Ramis (director), I present selected scenes from my forthcoming sequel to “National Lampoon’s Vacation” featuring Josh Hawley, Ted Cruz, Kevin McCarthy, Lauren Boebart, Matt Gaetz as themselves and Marjorie Taylor Greene as “the girl in the red Hummer.”
Opening Scene/Side-by-side pictures of McCarthy and Gaetz on election night 2020.
Announcer: You’ve just been re-elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. What are you going to do now?
McCarthy and Gaetz: We’re going to HAWLEY WORLD!
Cruz Home Family Room/Cruz shows Boebart, McCarthy and Gaetz the trip route to DC.
Cruz: Gang, I wanna make sure we get the maximum amount of fun time at Hawley World without missing any of the good stuff along the way…I’ve got the whole thing broken down into: total miles, miles per gallons, number of Proud Boys, MAGA nation and members of QAnon we can recruit on the way…With me so far?
McCarthy: Don’t ask me. I’ve never heard of any of these people.
On the Road/A girl in a Hummer (Taylor Greene) approaches the Cruz station wagon. She glances over at Ted with a sexy smirk. Cruz steps on the gas to keep up as she passes them.
Boebart: Ted, you’re going eighty miles an hour!…Slow down!
Cruz: Why? We’re making good time. [Through the windshield, Cruz reads the Georgia license plate on the back of the Hummer — “1776.” Cruz sings to himself.] You say you want a revolution…
Motel Courtyard/Cruz runs into the girl in the Hummer.
Taylor Greene: Enjoying your family road trip?
Cruz: This is highly confidential. Actually, I’m a U.S. senator. Have to be in Washington by the 3rd. That’s when the new session starts.
Taylor Greene: Too bad you’re part of the Washington establishment. I’m in the mood for some fun.
Cruz: Establishment? No way. You probably think those people I’m with are my staff. I’m my own man. I take them with me when I’m back in Texas. They sort of complete the establishment disguise.
The girl walks over to the pool and yanks off her top revealing a QAnon tattoo. She then drops her jeans and dives in.
Taylor Greene: Wow! This feels great. Are you going to “go for it?”
Cruz kicks off his loafers, whips off his shirt and drops his pants.
Cruz: I’ll be right there. [Then to himself] This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy.
FINAL SCENE/Station wagon pulls up to the entrance of Hawley World. But the gate to the Hawley World castle (AKA U.S. Capitol) is barricaded. Cruz stares at a huge cardboard cutout of Donald Trump.
Cruz: I watch his goddamn rallies on TV every night. I read his Tweets. I buy his cheap merchandise. I sit through his shit briefings. I was supposed to be the chosen one. And now this kid Hawley steals my thunder. They owe me. Right?
McCarthy: Don’t ask me about Hawley. Maybe we should wait and hear directly from him. I don’t know if I’m even pronouncing his name right.
Cruz spots Hawley entering the Capitol.
Cruz: Hey, Hawley. You might find this hard to believe, but we’re big fans of yours. It’s just that we were expecting to “stop the steal” and now it looks like it won’t happen.
Hawley: Not true. “Stop the Steal” Day at Hawley World is not until Wednesday. It’s going to be huge. Lots of people from all around the country. And there will be several brand new attractions. Senate and House balcony bungee jumping. Jewish laser tag. Capture the false flag. Whack-a-cop. Hide and go seek with the vice president and house speaker. And special guest appearances by Rudy Giuliani, Donald Junior and the conspirator-in-chief himself Donald J. Trump.
Boebart: That’s great! How can we ever repay you?
Hawley: I’m sure I will think of something. Give me four years.
As the scene fades out, a red Hummer pulls up to the barricade. On the passenger-side door, there is a magnetic sign with a picture of an AR-15 and the motto: EDUCATION COMMITTEE OR ELSE!
UPDATE: After submitting the script to several major studios and indie producers, I’m afraid it has been universally rejected. One studio head summed it up by saying, “Where do you come up with this stuff? No way anyone would ever believe it.”
For what it’s worth.
Dr. ESP