Having just watched the HBO series based on Philip Roth’s 2004 novel The Plot Against America, I wondered how Walter Winchell might have covered the coronavirus pandemic. Something like this?
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America, from border to border and coast to coast and all the cruise ships still at sea. Let’s go to press.
Dateline: Washington, D.C. The White House has become a virtual coronavirus petri dish. The latest count of those now in isolation include:
- Donald Trump’s personal valet
- Katie Miller, wife of White House “ratzi”* Steven Miller and Mike Pence’s press secretary
- Ivanka Trump’s personal assistant
- 11 secret service agents
Oh, the humanity!
Yet Donald Trump remains untouched by the contagion. When asked how he would explain his good fortune, Trump turned to task force chair Dr. Deborah Birx.
“Dr. Birx, I’m not a doctor but I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Is it possible we should consider a vaccine based on Kentucky Fried Chicken, Diet Coke, taco salad or big beautiful slices of chocolate cake? It worked for me. Maybe the doctors could look into that.”
In other news, Kim Jung-Un is still not dead. DOJ drops charges against Jeffrey Epstein; corpse remains under house arrest pending review by trial judge. Top “G-Man”* Christopher Wray is in danger of “Garboing It.”* In the world of entertainment, Katherine Schwarzenegger and Chris Pratt announce they are “getting storked”* later this year. While on a sadder note, former Chicago QB Jay Cutler and reality star Kristin Cavallari are in the process of getting “Reno-vated.”* And finally in the NBA, all games are tied 0-0 and heading into overtime.
And that’s the news. Good night Mr. and Mrs America. And a special good night to Donald Trump whom I remind, “Nothing recedes like success.”*
POSTSCRIPT: In the past 48 hours, health departments in several red states report emergency rooms have been flooded with patients who injected themselves with a “cocktail” consisting of Diet Coke and chocolate cake. Based on the four puncture wounds on the arms of those being treated, doctors surmise this dangerous combination was administered using a spork.
*Actual quotes and terms coined by Winchell. “Orange Juice Gulch” was how he often referred to New York’s Time Square, at the time populated by a number of take out food vendors including Orange Julius.
While researching this post, I found other Walter Winchell quotes which could apply to America today.
The same thing happened today that happened yesterday, only to different people.
We must not indulge in unfavorable views of mankind, since by doing it we make bad men believe they are no worse than others, and we teach the good that they are good in vain.
The way to become famous fast is to throw a brick at someone who is famous.
An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.
For what it’s worth. Stay well.